Depression, or artistic temperament – you be the judge.

For 43 years I suffered from “artistic temperament”. Now, apparently, I suffer from “bipolar disorder“.

I dislike titles and convenient pigeon holes.

The days of depression mean I cannot laugh off stupidity and the foreboding of what will come. The woeful dread of of a future that is terrible and black and coupled with other people. The lunacy of other people.

It’s not about other people it’s about what we are, what we’ve become, fight and stand for.

Organised religion, politics, corporate identities, hierarchy and the worst, capitalism. These are the most hateful titles I know, these are the dread of my every day, these are the driving force behind my depression.

Never have so many singularities been the cause of so much depravity, crime and genocide. And yet they sit in their fucking ivory towers happy in their little pigeon holes, content in the feeling that what they are is OK. Democratic bullshit.

And yet they are me. They are who I am. They are what I’ve become. They are all of us.

And yet I know they don’t work.

Each one of the hierarchical monsters of depravity leads to self loathing, how can we lie to ourselves so much and yet appear to be above it all?

How can we accept them, given the terrible things that each and everyone of them has done to the world, and embrace them.

Are we brain-washed? Is there a switch that we choose to ignore? Or is it that we choose to live our lives by time instead of generations?

The spiteful nature of living life by the minute is killing us. We lie to ourselves that the great feeling of “investing in our future” is us taking care of the future when it’s plainly not. It’s killing it. And more disgraceful than that it’s passing on the unbearable fucking lunacy to a generation that should have better.

I battle with the self loathing of acceptance and the knowledge that I could be better.

I fucking hate what this is.

But that’s OK it’s just Nick and his “artistic temperament”.

Tomorrow will be another day, and the paradox of the phrase will be the sum of the truth. The planets will line up and so will the chemicals in my head.

For a time.

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  • kitschenpink

    Hang in there. A very brave post. And when you reach teh sunny side remember to congratulate yourself for all that you have acheived that is positive and good.

  • Anonymous

    Thank you. I have held off for a long time, writing about it. I was scared to tell the world.

    But something in me wanted to “let loose” so-to-speak.

    Nxx

  • “It’s not about other people it’s about what we are, what we’ve become, fight and stand for.” You are very brave Nick xx

  • dude. thank you for sharing. I hope you don’t mind me sharing this link with others. 
    I am sure you are not alone.

    I salute you

  • Anonymous

    Of course not David, I would appreciate it. Only it is lonely sometimes.

    Thank you.
    N

  • Anonymous

    Thank you Sarah xxx

  • Nick

    Thanks for sharing this, hang in there – things can change in an instant.

    James

  • Anonymous

    They can and will James, that much is true.

    N

  • Susan

    Hi Nick,

    Well done for ‘letting loose’…I have some understanding of where you’re coming from as I lived with manic depression for many years….that is until I ditched the labels I’d been given, trained in the work I do now and used the skills it’s given me to transform my life.  Hang in there and know that peace and happiness are yours………other stuff just gets it the way sometimes but underneath it all you are still strong……….

    Susan xx

  • Good on you to shout it out! Good on you!!
    Join the clan, bro, you are not alone!! Even when it feels like you are, you’re not.
    Misunderstood, mis-diagnosed – it’s not as simple as those who are not diagnosed with BAD think it is.
    I want to make everything in the world right- I cry at the state of the world, people, & most of all animals :)
    I struggle with co-dependancy, struggle to detach myself from my kids problems & lives.
    I struggle to be understood.
    I even unlugged from online for 6 mths to get my sh** together.
    The only comfort I found with the ‘Bipolar label’ was that it gave me strength to know I wasn’t ‘mad’ and there are plenty of others out there suffering just like me.
    I have creative spurts that last from a day to months on end, my head spilling with ideas (the post-it stickers all over the house prove it!) I am raring to go but then I so often cannot get off the starting line as I find it hard to prioritise them!
    One day at a time, each day may be different – accept it, learn to manage and understand it, and don’t battle against it.
    We need to go for coffee x

  • Anonymous

    Thank you Susan, I’m OK with it really. With a sense of irony I wouldn’t change anything only, maybe, and even keel for a little longer every now and again would be appreciated.

    Nxx

  • Ali Coombs

    Well done for speaking up Nick. My ‘artistic temperament’ was diagnosed 9 years ago with depression and an anxiety disorder. Try not to feel lonely – I have many friends with Bipolar and its good to talk.
    Much love xxx

  • Anonymous

    We will go for a coffee soon (V and I are coming up to your neck of the woods soon).

    I don’t want a label, but I know I’m going to have to have one to move on. I don’t want to change, I like the euphoria and clarity of thought. The downside are the lows you have to go through to get that clarity.

    Still you have to have a down to have an up.

    N xx

  • Anonymous

    Hey Ali, I remember all those years ago our “joint” temperament LOL. Led Zep fixed it though xx

    Thanks for dropping me a line, we must have a brew as well soon.N

  • Anonymous

    I said this on Facebook the other day when Amy Winehouse died. I was lucky to have met her in Person at the Nelson Mandela concert where she was performing for his 90 years birthday: People do feel lonely, sad and lost in this tough society! I think we need to give each other more attention and love.
    As David said, you are not alone, believe me. We are ALL trying to get at the same place, the train is crowded, yes amazingly crowded with all sort of people, but only the brave ones gives up their seat or share  it. You are brave Nick and we love you very much! xx
    Let’s  have a coffee soon xx

  • Anonymous

    Thank you Marieme xxx we will.

    N

  • Jenny

    You are not alone Nick, but many do feel that way because they are afraid to speak out. In Buddhism they would say it’s the perfect opportunity to practice self  love, kindness and compassion. Sending you love and light xx

  • Anonymous

    Thank you Jenny. I was afraid to speak, but I’m not now.

    N xx

  • Jenny

    I know Nick, it takes courage and your courage has and will inspire others in the same place. Wishing you a lightful day xx

  • Look forward to seeing you both soon then!! Things have changed, outlooks have matured, lessons have been learnt…I am sure we’ll have so much to talk about!
    Re the label – the label is what stopped me ‘coming out’ – afraid of how people would then view me. However if people dont want to do business with me because of it, it’s their loss and probably my gain!!

    Love to you & V xx

  • With a bipolar, you’re not wrong there James :)
    Hope all is good with you btw
    Lesley

  • Anonymous

    Now I dedicate this to @treypennington I would be honoured to call him a friend #riptrey – depression is everywhere and yet it’s not.

  • I had no idea when I first wrote to you. I am so very sad to hear this news Nick. Condolences brother.

  • Anonymous

    Yes it is a sad one for sure. But I hope this brings to lite the devistation that depression brings, not only to the people after a terrible event (like today) but the suffering that a person goes through.

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